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Medicine's Red Herring



The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at the Watson Research Center. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and so has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, the Administratium is inert. However, it can be chemically detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to its discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than a second.

The Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have already shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that the Administratium develops naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as governments, large corporations and universities. It will most often be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that the Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how the Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

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