Inner approach to health
The Myth of Self-Love
Abstract
Contrary to popular understanding, self-love is only falsehood; it amounts to little more than self-interest. It does not support a true and sustained well-being. Seeking satisfaction in our personal wants is no foundation for progress. For that, we need to purify ourselves and our love. For practice, we have to climb the gradations of Love. At the summit, one loves for the sake of loving. One becomes it. This is the supreme state.
“Self-love is the great obstacle.
“Divine love is the great remedy (1)”
Much is said these days about the necessity for self-love. How can we love others unless we love ourselves first, it is reasonably asked. Through this movement, we construct our well-being. The self-worth that comes with it is how we equip ourselves for everyday living. With self-esteem, we can stand on our own two feet and make our mark on life. So, self-love is a pillar on which we have built our lives. There is a whole culture behind it. Self-love is a core teaching in self-development circles. It is almost mandatory and taken for granted. We might believe that self-love addresses the entirety of ourselves but that is not true. Eventually we realise that this self-love is only an illusion.
We have to be honest with ourselves. We need to make a reality-check and look more disinterestedly into the validity of self-love. This edifice is not grounded in Truth. It rests on shifting sands that constantly crumble because the love we hold within ourselves is imperfect. Self-love is but a disguise for vanity and our selfishness. It goads us to rest on our laurels. But this self-love will ultimately bring us misery. We should consider the Jealousy, the self-pity and countless other toxic movements that are a consequence of this state.
In her discourses at the Playground, the Mother, whilst reviewing Sri Aurobindo’s work, The Mother, addressed this truth very squarely:
“I think self-love is a pleasant word for vanity. Self-love means that one loves oneself more than anything else; and what he implies by this, you see, are exactly those reactions of a vanity which is vexed when one is not appreciated at one’s true worth, when one does not receive the praise one thinks one deserves, or the reward one believes one has earned, and when one is not complimented for everything one does. Indeed, all these movements come from dissatisfaction, because one doesn’t receive what one hoped to, what one thought one deserved to receive (2)!”
Self-esteem too is a worthy concept but the reality is only a bloated self-pride. It is sourced from a movement of ego. The motivations behind the urge for self-love and self-esteem are almost identical. It comes down to ego and self-interest. Up to a point, it must be admitted, this ego will initially assist our growth. Ego is how our individuality first lays its footprint on the world. But clearly, it is not something that can help us progress and grow in an enduring way. True and lasting well-being cannot be sustained by self-absorption.
The focus of self-love
As a consequence, when we direct this love back onto ourselves, we tend to focus on the shell of our being, our surface nature, because that is how we view our reality. We eulogise the gloss and conveniently pass over those hidden patches of darkness. It is the surface we relate to. Self-love, the Mother says, “.... is not a love that makes you forget yourself (3).” Love should be a consecration, not a self-immolation, “.... for true love seeks for union and self-giving and that is the love one must bring to the Divine (4).”
In fact, self-love wraps itself around a very meagre part of our self. We look at the fragments and not the whole. It puts us into a state of unconscious self-indulgence. We align to impressions, with what we are comfortable and conditioned to see as our self. It is a familiar comfort-zone. If we live almost entirely on the surface, the only self-love we might recognise is our own form. Self-love might even plunge down to blatant narcissism. When we take this poise, we identify only with impermanence. What we love may be gone by tomorrow! Everything else will go sooner or later.
Not many of us can claim to love truly. In fact, if we do, it automatically reveals paucity in our being. “Ordinary human love is vital, emotional and physical and always egoistic — a form of self-love. The psychic element is very small except in a few (5).”
This imperfection is the crux of the problem and what negates the myth of self-love. We need to endure and go through a whole furnace of purification to even begin to approach this state. It is an immense tapasya. We need to address the entirety of our being. True Love is the Absolute that sits high above the summits of our being. It identifies only with the Permanent within. Our nature must be divinised to reach the state of purest love. It is truly a lifetime’s work, one which will inevitably extend into future Incarnations.
The gradations of Love
But deep inside all of us is Love. It is what secretly holds us together. Love has so many gradations. The higher we climb its rungs the more integrated we become. Our practice is to keep climbing until we reach this summit. In the meantime in Integral Yoga, we live in a state of precarious balance: between a truer semblance of love and our own self-interest. The self-love we hold inside will reflect this. One side has to yield. We get through this uncomfortable stage through aspiration and personal effort. We constantly endeavour to exceed ourselves and expand within. That is our practice. Gradually, the love sublimates and grows and the scale of self-love dissipates. We have to aim for the summit of our being. Truth and Love are the essence of it all, the only reality. If we succeed in identifying with That, we love our self in an authentic way. This is the solitary Truth of Self-Love.
We have to toil though layer after layer of our nature to reach the limitless Source that lies inside. There is a true state of Self-Love that takes a long time to attain. It is achieved through a total surrender and consecration inside, a complete self-identification. There is a stability and impersonality to it which eludes those currents of self-love. It is a self-existent state which loves because one is Love. Indeed, at the summit, there is no need for even the purest Self-Love because one has become it. One embodies it. Therefore, to glibly declare that, ‘I love myself’ is a rank delusion. That is only the ego talking. In this instance, there is no union: only separation and division. In fact, the self-love we enthrone inside will prove to be our downfall unless we address the imbalance.
The Mother says that, at this summit, when true love is present, it needs no object, “finally one loves purely and simply, without any need or Joy than that of Loving (6).”
Therefore, rather than directing the love upon oneself, we can affirm its presence inside. Affirmation is a very powerful tool; it states a truth, latent inside each one of us. The present reality may be very different but it is involved in us and only awaits manifestation. One can help bring it forward by sincerely repeating only three words, ‘I am Love’.
Until we reach the supreme state of union, (and surely beyond!) we have to practise. For our self-love to be truly constructive, we must purify our love. Indeed, the whole being needs this purification. Until then, perhaps it is better not to speak any more of our self-love!
References
1. The Mother. The Collected Works of the Mother, Volume 14. 2nd ed. Pondicherry: Sri Aurobindo Ashram Trust; 2004, pg. 121.
2. The Mother. Collected Works, Volume 6; 2003, pg. 266.
3. The Mother. Collected Works, Volume 15; 2003, pg. 380.
4. Sri Aurobindo. The Complete Works of Sri Aurobindo, Volume 29. Pondicherry. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Trust; 2013, pg. 349.
5. Sri Aurobindo. Complete Works, Volume 31; 2014, pg. 301.
6. The Mother. Collected Works, Volume 14, pg. 122.
James Anderson is a member of SAIIIHR and coordinating editor of NAMAH.
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